last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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