It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
