I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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