my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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