the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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