i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
