The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
