yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
