i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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