whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
