Midget sex pt 2 tonight
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
