9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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