the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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