You made me cry and you don't even care
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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