Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He had one of those small greek statue penises
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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