Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
