Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
