My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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