I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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