3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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