Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
