Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
