i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
