I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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