I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
