Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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