i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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