I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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