just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
