Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize