UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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