Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
