how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
