I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
