remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
