I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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