he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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