I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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