I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
