Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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