Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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