I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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