great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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