he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
