I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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