I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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