Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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