just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
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