Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
