Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's rum buckets o'clock
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
