remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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