I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
