I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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