god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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