Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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