If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize