So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
