he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
