So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
