fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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