I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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