it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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