I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
