apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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